Pondering thought for the day…

If there is one thing I’ve learned about Second Life blogging, it’s that the male bloggers are SO much more bitchy than the female ones!

That is all.

<3

This is just a quick post to send apologies and hugs to my beautiful SL partner, Ayami. I know I haven’t been around much as of late, but from previous conversations that we’ve had recently, I hope you know that I do miss you and will try and be around at some point soon again. I hope the surgery you had this weekend went well, and I look forward to being able to speak to you again x

Changes

Y’know, I was just doing my daily read through my favourite SL blogs when a thought suddenly came out of nowhere and hit me smack bang inbetween the eyes. Nothing is the same anymore.

Well, perhaps that’s being melodramatic. I still have friendships in Second Life that I’ve always had over the last two and a half years. But in some respects even those have changed as life in both SL and RL have took their courses. Some friendships have drifted considerably into limbo, while others have become so much stronger than they ever were for me.

But in terms of what I was doing and what I was used to in Second Life only three-four months ago has completely gone. Friends and aquaintances have left, or otherwise found new people to share their lives with. People I once knew and spoke to and laughed with at my favourite hang out have disappeared, and new ones have took their place. The more talented of my friends have continued to persue their SL careers, becoming more and more well-known and established in other areas of SL whilst keeping their heads firmly buried in Photoshop at the same time. Heck, even the DJ rota at my hang out has changed.

I suppose a lot of this is down to me. I left Second Life earlier this year, gave myself a month or two of breathing space and then returned, more than likely expecting that not much had changed. But just like the real world, Second Life, my friends and favourite places continued to move without me and so it was obvious that nothing was going to be the same.

The question I ask myself is wheather I’m *happy* with these changes at all. The main answer would probably be ‘indifferent’. I don’t believe I’m in the metaverse long enough throughout a week now to keep up with these changes and change with them, and so I’ve accepted that things are always going to change and that I probably won’t be around when it happens due to a very busy RL and other priorities.

In some respects this makes me really sad. Those of my clostest and oldest friends in-world are some of the best I have, and that’s including out of my friends in RL too! I will always be in contact with them most days, mostly over MSN or Facebook. But it makes me feel sad that we won’t be hanging out in the same old way anymore, making silly banter and taking funny photographs in Second Life. Y’know, making more fond *memories*. Well, I guess there is more of that to come – but it feels sad that we’ve all moved on with our lives and we won’t have the opportunity to make as many memories as we have in the past.

In another respect I get a sense of warmth and comfort knowing that my friends are happy, despite these changes and realisations. It’s perfectly healthy to meet new people and gain new experiences, and I wish them all the happiness and good luck in both their second lives and real lives.

I just hope that one day soon we can manage to come together again for some more fun times.

Photography

It would seem that I’ve found my love for Second Life photography again, and have been dishing out my work across Flickr once more. I have also submitted a new picture to The Gallery of Light, which can be found on Angel Square in-world.

I’ll be adding my Flickr page to this blog once more for people to look at

Just a shame that my Flickr Pro account expired last week *cries*

Keeping Everyone Happy

Yesterday I encountered a problem in Second Life that I thought, given my past experiences, I would never encounter. Several months ago Second Life actually played a very large part in the diminish of my own relationship and sanity in RL, before both finally came to an abrupt ending and as most people who read this know, Christmas wasn’t a happy time for me.

Having had lots of time to rebuild my life and come to terms with the losses and anguish that was experienced, it also helped me to think back on my past and realise where things went wrong, and I don’t mind admitting that several causes to my own unhappiness were my own fault. I didn’t stop, think and behave like a grown up about everything. Neither did my parter-now-ex. Between us we were an indestructible force to our own unhappiness, and Second Life really didn’t help that as far as I was concerned. Third parties were involved, close friends and aquaintances within the metaverse. People that my ex and I shouldn’t have involved, and people that should’ve minded their own business, despite their concern. It made things twice as complicated and upsetting for me, and it’s one mistake that I will never commit again.

The outcome of this hard time was interesting. My ex partner took comfort in his friends in Second Life, and within a matter of weeks had found love and happiness again within the metaverse. Easy come, easy go, eh? Myself, on the other hand, began to resent Second Life. At my most angry and bitter time, I actually resented the idea of ever joining SL in the first place and wished that I hadn’t. I was too blinded by hurt and rage to see that SL *had* brought me a lot of good, not just a bad relationship, and that I had some true friends within the virtual world. But emotions are a powerful thing, and I knew I had to get away. Get away from the rejection, the failure, the paranoia and, more importantly, get away from a place that was shattering my self confidence even more than it already was shattered.

Fast forward to now. Several months later the temporary and short term scars are healed thanks to dedicated time with my RL family and friends, and my self confidence has been rebuilt once more by my own inner strength to do what’s right for me. To set myself realistic targets on improving my life, and adjusting to a new routine of being a single parent and… well, just single! Of course, Second Life never completely went away. I decided to bury the bad feeling I had with my Aribeth account, and instead created a new one. This enabled me to still draw strength and have good times with those that I held dear to me in the metaverse.

I made the decision during my ‘healing process’ that if I were to continue to enjoy Second Life, I would have to set myself some rules and boundaries. There had been a fine line between meshing the two world’s together in the past, and it ended up going disastrously wrong. So I decided that RL and SL would be completely seperate for me. Sure if I met someone in-world that I liked in terms of friendship only, I would have no objection of meeting them in the real world for a few drinks and a good night out perhaps, just like I have done so far with some close SL friends. But I would never build a relationship again in SL and allow it to cross to my RL.

With this ‘rule’ in mind, I happily partnered one of my best friends in SL whom has been a big part of my life for well over a year now. We’ll call her A. Due to the distance and other minor issues surrounding us, I knew and have known since we first met that we could never become anything in RL, and I’ve always been content with this, even more so since I vowed I wouldn’t let my Second Life cross over anymore. A seemed content with this too. We’ve always had a lot of love for each other, romantic or not is another question, but we’ve always been close.  She has been one of the few people that has always stuck by me through thick and thin, without much question, and I’ve always been greatful for her support.

After we partnered, things seemed settled and happy in Second Life for once. It became a small escape again during my evenings when RL was over for the day and I could settle and have some time to myself. But I knew that I couldn’t always spend my spare evenings on my computer, and have successfully been able to discipline myself enough that I use some of my weekday evenings to study or to read, or watch a movie. Once I’d got over the initial emptiness of feeling alone after my relationship in RL ended around Christmas, I looked to the positive side and saw that I had so much more time to myself to do activities that I enjoy doing, which didn’t always include being online.

I also knew that I didn’t want to be alone forever in real life! I was happy to be single and living alone, and being my own person and enjoying my children and their expanding lives. But I missed the aspect of being in a partnership and having company too, having someone to laugh with and talk to about anything and everything. Someone to hold me while I watched scary movies, and someone I could cuddle up to in vast space of my bed.

Only a few weeks ago I began to find happiness in somebody else in RL again. We’ll call him M for now.  I’d been ‘dating’ on and off for a while, but when I got together with M it was much more relaxed and comfortable. Talking and laughing was easy, and our similar taste in movies seemed to provide us with endless evening entertainment whenever we could get together. And when M and I cuddled, I began to feel wanted and safe again. Sure there have been some small problems, all of which I addressed with M whenever they crept up – but they were all me. All my own insecurities, issues and fears that I’d brought with me from my previous relationship. I’d learned from them, obviously. But that didn’t stop me from being over cautious and paranoid about them. It wasn’t until I realised that I had to stop being so closed off for M and I to work that I was able to put some of those fears to bed. For the time being, anyway.

With my budding RL company, my time for Second Life decreased even futher. Although I asked for a permanent DJ slot at the Crown & Pearl which allowed me to be in-world at least once a week for definate, and allowed me to catch up with A, when she discovered that I was involved in something serious in RL she wasn’t too happy.

This both upset and confused me. In my bid to keep the two worlds seperate, I knew I needed to be honest and open with any party I became involved with. M knew about my SL experience, and knew that I was partnered and involved with someone there, despite my lack of presence in SL recently. And A knew that I couldn’t always remain alone in RL and that I would eventually get my life back on track there. Although at first she explained that she was happy for me as it was another step in the right direction of getting things sorted in RL for me, she then changed directions in opinion and went off about how she wasn’t important to me anymore and that she would be continuously alone.

I felt guilty at first, unable to say much to make the situation better for her. But that was soon replaced with annoyance and anger. A knew that this would happen, and she also knew that I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of me spending some time with her, no matter how small the time space actually was that I had with her. Yet I was being made to feel guilty for having a RL, which at the end of the day *is* more important to every resident in the metaverse. Or it should be.

The conversation that A and I had made me realise that it’s not possible to keep everyone happy in SL and RL, no matter how many borders, boundaries and rules that you set for yourself. No matter how many times you tell the people you talk to what is black and white, and what you want and expect from both worlds. It made me wonder if it was even possible at all to have friends and a life in both worlds without either colliding and causing problems. I’ve never seen the harm in having friends online that are seperate to my real life, whether I’m able to meet them or not. I’ve known people in both worlds that have managed this, that have been able to keep things seperate and straight and have been successful with it, and applaude them for being able to keep things simple like that.

I suppose I have to figure out now whether I can do the same, or whether I need to set myself more rules in order for me to be able to play SL and keep it at SL, without emotions and bad feeling getting in the way.

Your Ego is Very Small

You don’t have a high opinion of yourself. You’re happy with who you are, but you don’t feel special. You believe you’re just like everyone else. You aren’t more unique or more deserving. While it’s good to be humble, make sure you don’t sell yourself short. You may not have a superiority complex, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself.

How Big Is Your Ego?

I can haz a Second Life plz?

Despite my previous entry of explaining my recent come back to the metaverse… well, I’ve hardly been in it.

Sometimes this has been through choice, but for the majority of the time it hasn’t. I just haven’t had the time, and I worry sometimes that this might have an effect on those in-world that I hold dearest to me. Fortunately they’re all very understanding and supportive, however, I can’t help but have this little niggly feeling at the back of my mind that I’m being a Very Bad Friend.

For the times when I choose not to be in Second Life, I think this is more a case of being so used to *not* being there, if that makes sense? My RL certainly takes priority over SL and anything else computer related right now, and I think this has been going on for so long that I’ve ‘broken the habit of being in SL’, so to speak. This obviously isn’t a bad thing really… but as mentioned above, I just hope me in-world friends and loved ones realise this.

For those that are wondering, I’m pretty damn good!

I received my first marked paper back on my uni course this year, and the score was rather pleasing Although it’s very self-rewarding and confidence boosting to know that I *can* do this well, it’s also neverending. I constantly seem to be studying, or thinking about studying. This tied with parenting and other general day to day happenings, there just isn’t room for much else until I can actually get a good little while to spend on myself. Even then it seems to be spent reading fictional books of my choice, or spending time with a friend.

But I’m going to try and make a little more effort to make time for Second Life. It’s something that I’ve definately wanted to be involved with more frequently than I am,  it’s just also one of those things that I think ‘Oh, I’ll log in tomorrow. I want to do this tonight’. As a result I have an unfinished lot of land that really needs terraforming some more, and making homey for myself and Ayami (how glad am I that she still has her own place to live in 0.o).  It would also make the rent worth it each month!

So it’s back to DJing on Friday’s at The Crown & Pearl. At least there’s a few hours there a week that I get to spend in-world catching up with friends and playing some good tunes

The Beginning (again)

O hai, you’re back!

Yes, I am indeedy.

But I thought you left Second Life?

Well, I did. For the last couple of months I probably spent about two weeks away from the metaverse. During the rest of that time I created a new account to play with. I missed doing the things I enjoyed in-world.

Fair enough, so I take it your new account is Eden Gloom?

Yes. She will be my permanent account for a little while.

Eden *Gloom*?

I wanted Ruby Gloom, but it was already taken. My friend had just had a little girl called Eden at the time, so that’s where the inspiration came from. It was either Gloom or Ghost, and I felt a bit Gloomy at the time

Err, okay. So what about Aribeth? What’s happening with that account?

It’s still taking a long hiatus. I’m not sure how long.

Why? Why not just come back as Aribeth?

Because, as silly as it may sound, I associate that account with a lot of bad stuff at the moment. Both in RL and SL. For anyone that reads back through this blog you will know why. Whenever I log into it I still get a strong feeling of sadness and frustration, and until that goes away fully, she won’t be coming back permanently. I was hurt, angry and broken-hearted a lot only a few months back, and was *made* to accept what was happening to me just to keep the peace for everyone around me, otherwise I’d be banned from going to the place I loved the most. I found this highly unfair, couldn’t deal, so I left.

But you’re still friends and still see those people that you did on your Aribeth account. What’s the difference?

The difference is with Eden it’s a completely fresh start. I forgive the people that didn’t understand what I was going through and dealt with the situation in an unfair manner to me. Unlike the people that caused this hurt in the first place, I’m no longer baring grudges and I’m trying to move on. I limited my friends list with Eden to a bare minimum of people I could deal with to begin with. As time has passed, it’s been easier for me to open up again. Does all this make sense?

Yes and no.

Well, whether it does or not. I just want those clostest to me and those whom are interested in this blog to know that I’m back, and I’m happy. And I’ve wanted to start blogging again – I just didn’t know where to start really! My last several entries before I ‘left’ were rather bitter and anger orientated. But I realised the people whom they were written for arn’t worth my time and effort anymore. I’ve stuck to close friends since then, and pulled myself out of the hole I was in. Happy! Happy! Happy!

Okay okay… I get it! Take these sedatives and calm down.

Thanks.

So what’s new? What’re you doing now you’re back in Second Life?

Well first and foremost it’s definately worth mentioning that I’m partnered to my dear friend, Ayami, whom I have so much love for. She has stuck by me through the thick and thin recently, without getting bored or infuriated with my constant drivel about my problems in SL and RL. It’s an open and honest partnership – other people are involved (on her part, I don’t have the time for anyone else right now! ) and we try to spend as much time together in-world when we can. She’s a true best friend, and I’m proud to have her ‘in my box’ *winks*.

And of course I couldn’t be away from my oldest and dearest friend, Bailey L. I missed her so much in just the few weeks that I was away, and made sure we kept the emails rolling to each other. When Aya and I became partners, we decided to look for some land and BL kindly let me retake my old lot back on Angel Square, which I’m eternally greatful for. Although she’s been sucked into her RP (wow, role reversal much to last year? ) and I try and avoid the other side of the island in fear of flying into some kind of orgy with her partner, I’m happy to be talking, dancing and hanging out with her once again.

I’ve took up a permanent DJ slot at The Crown & Pearl every Friday. Man, I’ve missed playing tunes! I play just before Prad, so I hope between the two of us we’ll raise the non-existant roof every Friday night ^^

Okay, so friends and DJing. Anything else?

Oh yah, building when I can be assed. And installing my beloved TV and DVD player back into the skybox I am also back to photography, with a fresh new Flickr account to show off my masterpieces. I will link that up to this blog for all to see

Well that’s just about all of SL covered. How’s your RL? You left SL because that had become busy too?

Mhmm, and it still is. My short courses in maths and literature finish in a couple of weeks time for easter, and I’m preparing to take the exams for both. But it doesn’t end at easter – I’ll be taking Level 2 maths and Level 3 Literature through the summer. My degree is in full swing, and I have my first assignment due this week coming – so that’s keeping me uber busy. Sometimes I do kick myself for taking so much on at once, but now I’m into the swing of it it’s not so bad

I obviously still have my children to attend to (no, I haven’t locked them up in the cupboard yet), although this is made rather easy with my eldest in nursery everyday now. They’re doing so good, and I’m so proud of them.

I mentioned I was dating in my last entry too, and although that’s been a whole heap of fun, it’s slowed down considerably now I’ve met someone whom I’m beginning to miss everytime he’s not around. Because of everything I’ve been through I’m trying to take things nice and slow and easy, and I’ve never felt more relaxed and on the same level as someone else for a long time now. It’s been very cool I guess we’ll see where things go from there.

Woo hoo!

Uh… I ran out of questions now.

Good. I can stop interviewing my self now

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