Keeping Everyone Happy

Yesterday I encountered a problem in Second Life that I thought, given my past experiences, I would never encounter. Several months ago Second Life actually played a very large part in the diminish of my own relationship and sanity in RL, before both finally came to an abrupt ending and as most people who read this know, Christmas wasn’t a happy time for me.

Having had lots of time to rebuild my life and come to terms with the losses and anguish that was experienced, it also helped me to think back on my past and realise where things went wrong, and I don’t mind admitting that several causes to my own unhappiness were my own fault. I didn’t stop, think and behave like a grown up about everything. Neither did my parter-now-ex. Between us we were an indestructible force to our own unhappiness, and Second Life really didn’t help that as far as I was concerned. Third parties were involved, close friends and aquaintances within the metaverse. People that my ex and I shouldn’t have involved, and people that should’ve minded their own business, despite their concern. It made things twice as complicated and upsetting for me, and it’s one mistake that I will never commit again.

The outcome of this hard time was interesting. My ex partner took comfort in his friends in Second Life, and within a matter of weeks had found love and happiness again within the metaverse. Easy come, easy go, eh? Myself, on the other hand, began to resent Second Life. At my most angry and bitter time, I actually resented the idea of ever joining SL in the first place and wished that I hadn’t. I was too blinded by hurt and rage to see that SL *had* brought me a lot of good, not just a bad relationship, and that I had some true friends within the virtual world. But emotions are a powerful thing, and I knew I had to get away. Get away from the rejection, the failure, the paranoia and, more importantly, get away from a place that was shattering my self confidence even more than it already was shattered.

Fast forward to now. Several months later the temporary and short term scars are healed thanks to dedicated time with my RL family and friends, and my self confidence has been rebuilt once more by my own inner strength to do what’s right for me. To set myself realistic targets on improving my life, and adjusting to a new routine of being a single parent and… well, just single! Of course, Second Life never completely went away. I decided to bury the bad feeling I had with my Aribeth account, and instead created a new one. This enabled me to still draw strength and have good times with those that I held dear to me in the metaverse.

I made the decision during my ‘healing process’ that if I were to continue to enjoy Second Life, I would have to set myself some rules and boundaries. There had been a fine line between meshing the two world’s together in the past, and it ended up going disastrously wrong. So I decided that RL and SL would be completely seperate for me. Sure if I met someone in-world that I liked in terms of friendship only, I would have no objection of meeting them in the real world for a few drinks and a good night out perhaps, just like I have done so far with some close SL friends. But I would never build a relationship again in SL and allow it to cross to my RL.

With this ‘rule’ in mind, I happily partnered one of my best friends in SL whom has been a big part of my life for well over a year now. We’ll call her A. Due to the distance and other minor issues surrounding us, I knew and have known since we first met that we could never become anything in RL, and I’ve always been content with this, even more so since I vowed I wouldn’t let my Second Life cross over anymore. A seemed content with this too. We’ve always had a lot of love for each other, romantic or not is another question, but we’ve always been close.  She has been one of the few people that has always stuck by me through thick and thin, without much question, and I’ve always been greatful for her support.

After we partnered, things seemed settled and happy in Second Life for once. It became a small escape again during my evenings when RL was over for the day and I could settle and have some time to myself. But I knew that I couldn’t always spend my spare evenings on my computer, and have successfully been able to discipline myself enough that I use some of my weekday evenings to study or to read, or watch a movie. Once I’d got over the initial emptiness of feeling alone after my relationship in RL ended around Christmas, I looked to the positive side and saw that I had so much more time to myself to do activities that I enjoy doing, which didn’t always include being online.

I also knew that I didn’t want to be alone forever in real life! I was happy to be single and living alone, and being my own person and enjoying my children and their expanding lives. But I missed the aspect of being in a partnership and having company too, having someone to laugh with and talk to about anything and everything. Someone to hold me while I watched scary movies, and someone I could cuddle up to in vast space of my bed.

Only a few weeks ago I began to find happiness in somebody else in RL again. We’ll call him M for now.  I’d been ‘dating’ on and off for a while, but when I got together with M it was much more relaxed and comfortable. Talking and laughing was easy, and our similar taste in movies seemed to provide us with endless evening entertainment whenever we could get together. And when M and I cuddled, I began to feel wanted and safe again. Sure there have been some small problems, all of which I addressed with M whenever they crept up – but they were all me. All my own insecurities, issues and fears that I’d brought with me from my previous relationship. I’d learned from them, obviously. But that didn’t stop me from being over cautious and paranoid about them. It wasn’t until I realised that I had to stop being so closed off for M and I to work that I was able to put some of those fears to bed. For the time being, anyway.

With my budding RL company, my time for Second Life decreased even futher. Although I asked for a permanent DJ slot at the Crown & Pearl which allowed me to be in-world at least once a week for definate, and allowed me to catch up with A, when she discovered that I was involved in something serious in RL she wasn’t too happy.

This both upset and confused me. In my bid to keep the two worlds seperate, I knew I needed to be honest and open with any party I became involved with. M knew about my SL experience, and knew that I was partnered and involved with someone there, despite my lack of presence in SL recently. And A knew that I couldn’t always remain alone in RL and that I would eventually get my life back on track there. Although at first she explained that she was happy for me as it was another step in the right direction of getting things sorted in RL for me, she then changed directions in opinion and went off about how she wasn’t important to me anymore and that she would be continuously alone.

I felt guilty at first, unable to say much to make the situation better for her. But that was soon replaced with annoyance and anger. A knew that this would happen, and she also knew that I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of me spending some time with her, no matter how small the time space actually was that I had with her. Yet I was being made to feel guilty for having a RL, which at the end of the day *is* more important to every resident in the metaverse. Or it should be.

The conversation that A and I had made me realise that it’s not possible to keep everyone happy in SL and RL, no matter how many borders, boundaries and rules that you set for yourself. No matter how many times you tell the people you talk to what is black and white, and what you want and expect from both worlds. It made me wonder if it was even possible at all to have friends and a life in both worlds without either colliding and causing problems. I’ve never seen the harm in having friends online that are seperate to my real life, whether I’m able to meet them or not. I’ve known people in both worlds that have managed this, that have been able to keep things seperate and straight and have been successful with it, and applaude them for being able to keep things simple like that.

I suppose I have to figure out now whether I can do the same, or whether I need to set myself more rules in order for me to be able to play SL and keep it at SL, without emotions and bad feeling getting in the way.