Reflection on 2008

Reflection on another year gone by...

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2008 THAT YOU’D NEVER DONE BEFORE?

SL: A whole bunch of little things. Clothes making, jewellery making, becoming more familiar with using sculpties. I guess the major thing I’ve done in SL this year is photography, and practising my skills both in world and Photoshop as far as photography is concerned.

RL: Taught and worked with children at infant school level, helped to run a toddler group and organise events for this. Probably some more that I can’t remember either =P

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I didn’t make any for either SL or RL, and I don’t really intend to for 2009. I never stick to them!

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
SL: Hahahaha! No.

RL: I did… does that count?

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
No, for both worlds. Although if someone did in SL I think it would be more of an achievement than a tragedy, seeing as  you can’t die in SL

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
SL: Does SL have countries?

RL: None this year *sigh*

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2009 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2008?
SL:  I don’t think there’s anything else I would like more from SL in 2009. I have everything I need and want – some lovely friends, a cool place to hang out, my own land to build whatever on and an ever expanding inventory full of crap!

RL: Someone to love.

7. WHAT DATES FROM 2008 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY, AND WHY?
SL: February 14th – the birth date of my alt, Nya Nightfire. Without her I probably wouldn’t know some of the people that I do in-world today.

RL: January 13th – the birth date of my beautiful daughter, Seren.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
SL: To not quit altogether? =P

RL: Giving birth to my second daughter!

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Not being able to maintain a relationship with the man I loved. Letting my PND/depression develop into something more serious and having a complete meltdown in early December. This would apply to both worlds.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
SL: The amount of times I’ve fallen from the sky this year, I realistically should be considered a pavement pizza. Fortunately such things don’t happen in SL =)

RL: Mostly mental illness, nothing too serious physically.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
SL: A fantastical texture organiser.

RL: A phone with an answering machine. And one or two books and DVD’s.

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOR MERITED CELEBRATION?
SL: I’d say most of my friends, in their own little ways, have done or said something this year that has been worth praising.

RL: My nextdoor neighbour, Heather. My friendship with her this year has really blossomed and we’re closer than ever.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
SL: They know who they are, and most have had the decency to apologise and talk to me about it. It’s just a shame it gets to that point in the first place!

RL: A couple of people who were close to me. Things are *SLOWLY* being sorted, and I just hope that words and actions can be forgiven and forgotten in time.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
SL: *sniggers*… most of my money generally goes on my avatar =P

RL: Bills. Probably gas in particular.

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
SL: The hair fair 2008. I know, I know…oh, and being promoted up the ranks in RP.

RL: Early January I got really excited about seeing my daughter when I was pregnant, as you do. I got excited for my first daughter, mini Aribeth, on her 3rd birthday as I knew she would love her party. She did!

16. WHAT SONGS WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2008?

Alexandra Burke – Hallelujah. Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl.

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR, ARE YOU:
I. HAPPIER OR SADDER? Probably happier, actually.
II. THINNER OR FATTER? Definately fatter. (RL… because in  SL no one is fat).
III. RICHER OR POORER? About the same as last year.

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU’D DONE MORE OF?

SL: Building, and sticking to my interior design business.

RL: Sticking to my diet, taking my kids out on the park more… little things like that.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU’D DONE LESS OF?
SL: Shopping. I need to get some kind of control on my spending habit!

RL: Sitting on the computer in the evenings, rather than watching a movie or doing something productive.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?

With family in RL. I imagine I’ll be floating around SL from time to time throughout the week.

22. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2008?

It depends what you define love as, really. In a RL romantic sense, no. In an SL romantic sense, no. But my love for some friends has developed a lot over the past year, in both RL and SL.

23. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?

I’ve never heard of a one night stand from an SL point of view!

24. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV PROGRAM?

LOST! So much so at one point HellSpawneD Xingjian built a Dharma Initiative bunker on our then shared land… O.o

25. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN’T HATE THIS TIME LAST YEAR?

I’m not sure that it’s possible for me to hate. I don’t know about that really. But yes, there are certainly people that I dislike now that I didn’t last year, both in RL and SL. But that’s life, right?

26. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?

The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory.

27. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?

I have my  SL friends to thank for a lot of my music tastes now. I’d say I’ve took more of an interest in the likes of Motown and disco this year.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
SL: Some fantastical new friendships. I always want friends… friends are good. And I met some awesome people in SL this year.

RL: I think the same applies in RL too. Due to running a toddler group and attending a mini course at the local school with the same group of ladies, I’ve become close to them. I only found out over Christmas just how much I have in common with each of them too =)

29. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?

A stable and loving relationship, in both worlds. I don’t think I depend on having a relationship, but I definately don’t like being lonely and more than anything I just want to have someone I can share my life with and to call my own.

30. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE FILM OF THIS YEAR?

Ooh, there’s been a fair few! Recently I’ve really enjoyed Mamma Mia, Wanted, Wall.E and Narnia: Prince Caspian. Some others would include the Sex and The City movie, National Treasure 2, The Dark Knight, The Eye and The Other Boleyn Girl.

31. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?

SL: I turned 2 in SL this year, on November 19th. It was the same date that The Crown & Pearl was born, and so I enjoyed a party for the Crown’s first birthday plus my own rez day. It’s also been a tradition somewhat that I have a joint party with some of my best friends in SL, whose rez days are all within a week or so of my own. Bailey Longcloth, Bailey Dazy & Rrishanna Regina (<3 you girls!)

RL: I turned 22 this year in RL, and received my beloved Nintendo DS, and was showered with balloons in the morning. My folks took care of my girls while my then boyfriend and I stayed at home together, eating junk food and watching LOST. It was a nice and quiet day =)

32. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
Probably to not go through the heartache and trauma I did so many times with my now ex. I wish we could’ve just made each other happy and didn’t have to go through everything we did. This applies to both RL and SL.

33. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL FASHION CONCEPT IN 2008?

SL: I wear pretty much anything in SL, so long as it doesn’t come with bling or shows my lady bits.

RL: Anything I can fit into and feel comfortable with!

34. WHAT KEPT YOU SANE?

SL: My friends, as always <3

RL: My children, as always <3

35. WHICH CELEBRITY/PUBLIC FIGURE DID YOU FANCY THE MOST?

Matthew Fox… O.0

36. WHAT POLITICAL ISSUE STIRRED YOU THE MOST?

SL: I’m really not one for politics, and I don’t believe SL is all that political to be honest. The rise of prices on Opensims was certainly big news, and one that not many people were happy about – including myself, even though I’m not a sim owner. But I know it will effect some of my friends, and I don’t like seeing them ticked off.

RL: The fact it took the Government so damn long to do anything about the social services whom were involved in the Baby P case.

37. WHO DID YOU MISS?

People come and go in our lives. They certainly do in mine, anyway. It’s not intentional but it’s a well known fact that everyone has their own life to contend with. Some of my old friends in both worlds have drifted away, not through any bad feeling though. It’s just one of those things. And when I miss them, I try to make an effort of getting back in contact to say Hi!

38. WHO WAS THE BEST NEW PERSON YOU MET?

Ooo, I have quite a few!

SL: Ayami Imako, Trix Dastardly, Lindsay Noonan, Catherine Saiman, Dui Zhang, Elise Capalini, Daniel Shamroy, Ryker Beck, Natalya Homewood, Adam Soler… there has been lots, and to those I haven’t mentioned – well, you know who you are I hope!

RL: All of the lovely ladies that I work alongside with at the local school.

39. TELL US A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON YOU LEARNED IN 2008.

Sometimes you have to swallow you pride, admit that you’re wrong, and that apologising really isn’t too hard to do if it means you get to make life easier for yourself and everyone around you.

40. QUOTE A SONG LYRIC THAT SUMS UP YOUR YEAR.

Heck, I don’t have time to figure that one out…

We’re all mad here…

How much of your real life do you tend to take into Second Life?

How much of your Second Life do you let effect your real life?

These are questions I’ve been asking myself recently, mostly due to some big changes in my real life. I have had a tendency to let Second Life effect the way I am in real life, because SL has been a big part of my RL for the last two years. And I’m not just talking about emotions and personal attachments to other residents within world, but one third of my kindred in RL have come about due to meeting their father in SL first. And everything that has happened between us in RL over the last few years have automatically been taken into SL too.

At the time of this happening, I didn’t think much of it, nor did I see the problem with it. We’d have a fight in RL, and as sad as it may sound, to cool ourselves off we both logged into SL to talk to our respective friends about the problem… and usually that was the end of that.

Lately, however, these problems have come to a head. More people have been involved and hurt than just us two, and as a result it’s caused more problems in our RL than what was needed. This is just an example of what I mean by RL and SL interacting and effecting one another, if you choose to let it.

I’ve had a lot happening to me in RL lately, so much so that as a result I have to take increased meds to deal with my depression and will be seeing a psychiatric nurse as soon as my doctor gets her ass into gear to sort it out for me. This has been effecting what I do and how I think around Second Life too. I feel recently that I’ve had to tread on egg shells around those clostest to me, or they have had to around me. Sometimes I feel excluded and unwanted, and that people are highly exasperated with me.

Someone commented to me today that they haven’t seen me around online that much in the past week that what I usually am. That’s mostly because I’m currently being watched over like a hawk by my parents at the moment as they help me through this bad phase, spending a great deal of my time round their place. But also because I’m not really sure what to do around Second Life anymore without instantly thinking the worst about myself, other people, and what I do in-world.

The annoying thing about this is I don’t know if all this unsure and negative feeling is because of the current chemical imbalance in my brain, or if because people really are just tired of knowing me and what I get up to. I wonder if distancing myself is the right thing to do, or if I should just try to continue to be myself and get on with it.

And back to my original point, this obviously has an effect on my real life too. For no reason whatsoever I could be doing my hoovering around the house, or playing playdough with my eldest daughter and suddenly remember something that I said or did the night previously in SL and think “Oh, I hope no one took that the wrong way,” or I could think “I wonder why they were off with me… have I done something wrong?” You know, what is starting out as depression feels like it’s gradually turning into social anxiety – and this scares me.

Two years ago I was a total social butterfly. I was bouncy and happy a lot of the time, and a completely random person. I think I have lost some of that over time and have changed, just like most people do. Although as a result I feel like I’m gradually losing and drifting away from those that I met when they first knew me as this bubbly socialite. I don’t know entirely what’s happening right now, and I suppose it will become more clear once I’m receiving the medical help I need in RL.

Until then I think it’s a case of sticking around those that I know want me around and don’t think of me and some crazy psychopath that should be avoided and/or poked with a large stick.

Fashion

I consider the fashion industry in Second Life to be rather similar to that of the way the fashion industry works in RL.

Fashion comes in all shapes, sizes and varieties to suit the needs and tastes of a variety of people around the world, and this is no exception in SL. Just like we have our fashion giants in the real world, such as D&G, Armani, Prada, Vivienne Westwood, Manolo Blahnik and many more, I think this is true in-world too. I generally consider the likes of Armidi, Muism, ETD and others to be those big names around the metaverse – providing outstanding designs and textures in their products which, in my opinion, are flawless.

This isn’t to discredit the number of other designers out there whom put their heart and soul into their products. I actually prefer shopping with these other designers to help their business blossom, and because, well, I’m not generally one for designers And just like the real world I believe there is a large matter of cost. Only when I’m feeling particularly flush in-world (which isn’t too often) do I tend to shell out for a dress that’ll cost L$450.  As stunning as it may look, it just can’t happen all the time!

My ‘default look’ generally tends to be quite alternative, mostly because I think that’s how I would like to dress in the real world, if I had the money. Some days I look quite hippyish, sometimes quite goth (but without the clique white skin). I love studded belts and boots, half torn shirts and dirty looking Converse shoes. I tend to choose skins and make up for my avatar that are smokey-eyed looking, and are nearly always accompanied by lip and nose piercings. And my hair… well! I think more than any other body/fashion item that is provided for an avatar in SL, hair is my favourite thing to shop for. I love crazy hair, big hair, wild hair, short hair, long hair, multicoloured hair, hair with accessories, sculptie hair, straight hair, curly hair… the list goes on! I don’t think there is a day in SL where I’m not changing my hair style.

There is a rather large demand for the items listed above, although generally they’re not provided by the ‘giants’ of the fashion industry I have mentioned. The majority of those items tend to be found tucked away in a small store, down a pretty little alley on a random sim in the middle of nowhere. And that’s half of the reason why I find shopping in Second Life to be a fun activity. It gives me the chance to explore and to discover these small designers, and to be able to praise their work to my friends and, of course, in my blog.

I’m not a fashion blog writer – this post is merely my view on fashion. However credit is needed where credit is due, and I imagine from time to time I will be ranting about these amazing discoveries later in my blog.

This doesn’t just stop at the fashion industry, however. The same could be said for most categories of shopping within RL and SL. For example, furniture. I think next to avatar fashion, the architectural and interior design of SL follows the same sort of lines. Businesses such as HD Designs, Ramos, JC Designs and my personal favourite, Amodica, are right up there as some of the leading brands of interior design wares going around in Second Life.

I suppose it all depends on what you’re looking for, and what suits your own personal tastes. But it never hurts to explore Second Life and shop around – that’s the whole beauty of it, isn’t it?

Despair

Meltdown

For the first time in my two years of being a resident in Second Life, I’ve reached breaking point.

I don’t feel this is all entirely SL related, but there’s enough going off in this virtual world right now to make me take a step back and think about what’s happening around me. For the first time in two years, I’ve had so called ‘friends’ express their true thoughts and feelings toward me, and not in a positive way, calling me the worst names imaginable. Names that I didn’t think even *they* would go out of their way to call me.

I have had so called ‘friends’ behave extremely weird with me, without any explanation or any reason. And when I ask what’s going on, they’d rather solve the problem with main chat bantering rather than personally IM me to talk to me, thus creating more drama and upset for me.

I don’t think these people, or anyone else, realise just how much of an impact this has on me. Both in SL and RL. It’s only when I sit infront of my computer monitor after such an encounter in floods of tears when I realise that now is the time to take a step back and just leave them all to it.

I have enough problems in my real and personal life to be brought down by a bunch of pig headded, spineless idiots in a virtual world which is meant to be ‘fun’. I mean, where do I draw the line? What do I do?

I’m not saying I’m entirely innocent. I know I’ve said some hurtful things in return, mostly out of anger. But I get the impression from these people that they *mean* what they say, and that’s what digs deep into me so much. Some of them I don’t think are satisfied until they know they’ve hurt me.

Well, to those people I say “You win.”

I’m backing down and admitting defeat. If driving me away was your purpose, congratulations, you succeeded. Having publically announced over a microphone through a DJ stream that I intend to stay away from my most favourite place in the whole of SL for some months, I intend to keep my word.

This may be a drastic move. I don’t know. Right now I’ve been deeply hurt and I’m angry beyond imagination. I know there are people at this place that will be sad to see me go, and to those people I just want to assure that it won’t be forever, and that I am contactable in IM/MSN/wherever you have me added.

I can’t handle this drama. All I ever want to be is happy, and to make good friends with whom I can make and share happy memories with. All I want is for someone to love me and accept me for who I am, without feeling the need to change me. To accept my physical and mental being for what it is.

I have enough shit going on in my real life right now with being a single parent of two, with no money. I can barely afford to buy gas each week to keep my house heated and my children warm. I suffer depression, I have no self confidence or joy left in me. Infact, I only manage to continue with life itself for the sake of my children. They are what keep me going.

I have friends in my RL too, and a family whom love and try to support me. But even so, a lot of those people don’t know me half as well as some of my SL friends do – and maybe that can give you an idea of how much this ‘game’ means to me. To have people tarnish that for me is, well, catastrophic.

I don’t know if this all sounds melodramatic. It’s not intended to be. I’m actually stating my RL thoughts and feelings here. I know I’m no angel. I know I can give as good as I receive sometimes, and I know in turn that I have the capability to hurt those that give it previously. But only as a defence mechanism.

But to the main point of this post – adios. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I will be in world everyday, but more as a ghost for awhile. I just hope this is the answer to me actually getting some peace and tranquility away from those that are so harsh.

It’s starting…

My Christmas tree in RL was assembled on Saturday, after several hours of feeling bored and pondering what activity I could do with my daughters that’ll keep them entertained. My eldest, aged 3, adored helping. She fully enjoyed hanging delicate and glittering objects, taking it very serious. So much so by the time she was done there was a perfect line of baubles hanging just from the bottom of the tree, which was the only area she could reach. It’s the first time she’s helped with decorating our tree, so I guess it made this year even more special for me.

My youngest daughter, almost 11 months, can’t walk yet, nevermind hang decorations – but the lights and different colours thoroughly caught her attention and she was perfectly entertained all the way through.

Although it is slightly early to be getting the tree out at the moment, it never fails to cheer me up and get me into the Christmas spirit. And each evening from now until January, my tree will give a soft glow around my livingroom, making it feel very cosy indeed. Everytime I look at the tree it always cheers me up – and I always feel rather sad again when I have to take it down come the end of the holidays.

Christmas is also coming to Angel Square, the sim where I live and which is also owned by my friend Bailey Longcloth in Second Life. From it’s original tranquil tropical paradise with white sandy beaches, the ground is now covered with snow and grasses, the palm tree’s gradually being replaced by Christmas trees, and the sun, although still in the sky, is dusted with snow falling from the sky. It really is beginning to take on a proper winter and festive feel, getting me even more in the mood to start preparing myself for the festive season.

Despite the beauty of both worlds, and the growing excitement from my daughter, Christmas can also be one of the loneliest times of the year. It’s a time to spend with family and loved ones, and although I have a fantastic family whom will no doubt make me feel loved and welcome in spending Christmas with them, it’s not the same as having a loved one whom you can share a bottle of mulled wine with and curl up together on the couch infront of ‘A Christmas Carol’ while eating mince pies. For a lot of people it can be quite depressing.

Unfortunately I’ll be one of those people this year. For the first time in my life, I’ll be spending Christmas alone. But to myself and those people I say, make the most of it! Take pleasure and comfort in spending Christmas with those that *do* love and treasure you, whether it be with family, friends, colleagues or even pets. Any amount of love all counts. Forget about what you don’t have, and focus more on what you do have, and make the most of it while you can…

…besides, it means you’ll get to drink the bottle of mulled wine and eat the mince pies all to yourself, and that’s never a bad thing!